Deeaaattthhh... not as pretty as Joe Black and just as self-serving. At first, I had thought this unearthly storm to be a metaphor for jealousy.

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My site - [link] pernjunkies

Who said anything about death...

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'Moral Victory, hu... funny, that's what they said about Jesus when he was on the cross, "Oh, don't worry Mary, it's a Moral Victory..."'

I see the storm as a metaphor for mortality. I mean, we're not all engulfed by an evil storm, but we are all 'clensed' from the earth sooner or later.

I like your description of the storm, especially how the natural clouds pull away from it.

Traveling back & forth in time is fine, but sometimes I got confused as to whether we were in the ' past' or the ' present.'

There are very few technical errors, but in some places your sentences get murky, and your use of certain words is questionable within the context. In other words your story could use some editing.

Also, the fact that Trevor & Bridget were in the house on their way to the basement, and then suddenly outside of the house doesn't really make sense to me...

All in all a good effort.

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"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." - Anais Nin

I was hoping the tense shifting was clear enough, but I can see what you mean. Perhaps, if I can muster enough to lengthen this piece, I'll keep it flowing tense wise and develop the storm and Trevor/Bridget's experiance straight from the bat.

Could you give me one or two examples of where the sentences get murkey; might help me spot a trend and qwell it in future.

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'Moral Victory, hu... funny, that's what they said about Jesus when he was on the cross, "Oh, don't worry Mary, it's a Moral Victory..."'

Drat. I can't copy & paste in that format. I'll give you some examples, but not till next week (I've got a long weekend of work coming up). Quickie: "...dancing an omen..." I don't believe an omen can be danced. "...as if their dancing was an omen..." or something similar might be better.

Same type issue with the word 'casting' in a previous sentence. The word is ever so slightly mis-used.

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"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." - Anais Nin

*laughs his evil laugh*

'I knew .pdf would trip someone up!'

*kicks himself*

'Now I can't easily edit that dam thing! Who the hell suggested .pdf submissions anyway...'

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'Moral Victory, hu... funny, that's what they said about Jesus when he was on the cross, "Oh, don't worry Mary, it's a Moral Victory..."'

It looks neat. Much more professional looking & easy to read than the normal dA format.

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"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." - Anais Nin

That is one of the reasons I've started using .pdf for stuff I submit. Might go through my gallery again, sprouse some things up and resubmit as .pdf.

Had a Chinese* for the first time last night, with Cat Girl. It was so yummy, I had to stop at one point because the taste was really overwhelming.

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'Moral Victory, hu... funny, that's what they said about Jesus when he was on the cross, "Oh, don't worry Mary, it's a Moral Victory..."'

I love the introduction. It's elegant and well worded, setting the scene up nicely. Now, for the nitty gritty:

"Stepping out of his car into the freezing winds" - I think you can easily omit the "of his car" and still get the same effect. It's not as wordy and keeps the reading flow smooth.

"The same storm he'd been obsessed with for over five years. The storm that killed his wife; his beloved Bridget" - while I can see you're carefully setting up the momentum of the story, I think the particular way this was written is too dramatic. I almost think you could reveal the part about the loss of Bridget later on. I see that your next paragraph describes the loss anyway so instead of stating the loss as a fact, why not let the reader discover the loss as they read on? I think this would make it more interesting, rather than just stated. It's lazy reading.

"He smiled at the way she acted so nonchalant about her intentions" - maybe try "nonchalantly"

"It was only a few seconds from it beginning its descent to it racing along the ground" - I found this sentence awkward to read and the resulting imagery was very vague. Maybe you need to reconsider what you were trying to describe and see if it could be done differently?

That's about my thoughts. I quite like the concept of the story and how you told it. Little things here and there but they are small issues. The bulk of the ingredients are there and well put together.

Love your work,
Vamps/Demi.

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"Pick up a pen. Set before you, some paper. If you were to die this very instant, what would you regret? Write these thoughts down. Now read what you have written. This is what you must attend to - Now."

*CrAzYmOnKeY *ProsePlease